May 1, 2009
Catholic Charities: Ask the Counselor
Introduction of gender identity to children
BY CHRISTINA ROSARIO
Question: We are the parents of three young children, ages two-and-a-half, four and five years of age. We wish to set a good foundation within our family regarding respect for sexuality and morality, but we do not know how to initiate this topic in an age appropriate manner. Other than waiting for the children to ask us questions, what may we do as parents from a proactive posture to open up this conversation?
Answer: Parents are the first and primary educators of their children, formally as well as informally. Children will absorb parental values and moral beliefs about love and family even before parents begin to consciously teach moral values or try to teach them right from wrong. Parents are very wise to ponder how to begin to convey a good understanding of sexuality, love, marriage and family. Some examples are given for your consideration.
The topic of sex and the meaning of love can be introduced naturally and discussed matter-of-factly even with very young children. It might begin by noting some differences in bodies between boys and girls, or male and female characteristics between daddy and mommy. A natural time to capture this opportunity might be at bath time or while the child is getting dressed. Parents can teach the proper names for body parts that have to do with reproduction and indicate that these are special. A bathtub experience of bathing siblings of different genders could lead to a conversation that the girl’s body lacks a penis. But she has a vagina. And that very special part of her body makes her a female. A little boy’s penis is what makes him a male. The conversation might then lead to God’s design of His creation. “God created man in the image of himself, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. God blessed them, saying to them, ‘Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth and conquer it.’” (Genesis 1:27-28, The Jerusalem Bible). Parents might explain that when children grow older, they will have the gift of fertility given by God to adult males and females. Fertility, with our sexuality, is the power, with God’s help for girls to become mothers and for boys to become fathers. Because this gift from God is so powerful and special, it must always be used with great respect, reverence and responsibility.
Parent/child bedtime prayer conversations of gratitude to God might create another wonderful opportunity to open up the topics of sex and marriage. Prayers of thanksgiving might lead to simple statements such as:
- “Thank you God for my daddy who loved my mommy and married her to be his wife, and to bring forth children from their married love.”
- “Thank you God for creating mommy as a female, and who, with daddy, accepted God’s gift of new life and gave birth to me.”
- “Thank you mommy for being daddy’s wife.”
- “Thank you daddy for loving mommy, and mommy for loving daddy in marriage.”
- “Thank you God for Your gifts of love, marriage, and family.”
- “Thank you God for making me a male/female.”
- “God please help me to always use my body in a holy and sacred way.”
- “Thank you, God, for making my body in Your image.”
- “Thank you mommy for choosing to give me my brothers/sisters.”
- “Thank you mommy and daddy for your love for me, even though you do not live together anymore.”
By casually, comfortably and straightforwardly using these words and initiating these topics with young children, the idea of love within marriage would be normalized. Additionally, the connection of sex and babies in marriage would reinforce God’s plan to bring forth new life within the Sacrament of Marriage. These pairings have been disconnected in our present-day culture of disordered sexual behaviors. In our modern world, we have a disconnect between sexual activity and its natural outcome of new life. Parents, the primary educators of their children on faith and morality, have the opportunity and need to begin early to convey the beauty and importance of God’s design of making them male and female.
“Theology of the Body,” a catechesis by our late Pope John Paul II, explains the beauty of God’s creation of the human person as male or female. He also elaborates on the inherent meaning of sexuality and the role that it plays in every person’s life and in every vocation of life. Two useful books which a parent can use to begin to convey this teaching on the human person to their children are “Our Power to Love — God’s Gift of Our Sexuality” by Dr. Ruth S. Taylor, Ann G. Nerbun, and Rev. Richard M. Hogan, and “The Wonder of Me - Fertility Appreciation for Adolescents and Parents” by Dr. Ruth S. Taylor and Ann G. Nerbun.
Christina M. Rosario is a licensed clinical social worker. She is a part-time bilingual counselor at Catholic Charities and provides counseling services at Jasper and Huntingburg and at Nativity Parish in Evansville.