July 24, 2009
The Second Half
Being there
BY DEACON JIM AND ANN CAVERA
“On Death and Dying” was the title of a retreat we attended last week. It sounded oppressive. Instead, we found it to be uplifting because the presentations focused on the meaning of pain, suffering and death in the light of faith. The presenters spoke with hope and joy, reminding us that death never has the final word. As a deacon’s wife I wanted to be better able to support Jim in his work at the hospital or funeral home. I came hoping to learn more about what I could do or say to help grieving families.
Sharon, one of the speakers, was a small woman with grey hair and glasses. She was the type of grandmotherly woman you might expect to see playing cards in a senior citizen’s center. Sharon began by saying 20 years earlier she had gone to bed one night as a wife, mother and a woman with a full-time job. She woke up the next morning as a widow after her husband committed suicide. She had our attention. Out of her terrible tragedy had come a new vocation and for the past 20 years she has served as chaplain in an inner-city hospital.
If we had come expecting someone to tell us how to give words of comfort to people in great pain, we would have been disappointed. Sharon’s message wasn’t about what to do or say, but about how to simply be present to people who have lost much. This isn’t what we usually want to hear. In our culture if something is wrong, we want someone to tell us how to fix it. Give us the right words, or tell us exactly what to do. We’ll do whatever it takes and then be on our way to the next meeting or problem. We don’t have time to sit and do nothing, especially when no solutions can be found.
Sharon helped us remember that what is often most helpful isn’t a quick solution, but the gift of peace that quiet presence can bring. To be present we have to let go of our need to provide answers and be willing to just spend time with someone in agony. In order to offer the gift of presence, we must first have peace within ourselves. We must be willing to recognize that we often don’t have answers, even to our own problems. We need to be bearers of a peace that comes from beyond ourselves. We become bearers of that kind of peace through prayer. Through prayer we create empty spaces that can be filled by the Holy Spirit. Mother Teresa had enormous presence because she carried the peace of Christ within her. She said, “Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything.”
We left the retreat grateful for the opportunity we had been given to step aside so that peace could fill the spaces in our lives. Over the course of the retreat we were reminded of how brief life is and how securely we are all held in God’s loving presence. By honoring the empty spaces between ourselves and others, we make places for that same loving presence to enter and supply a peace that goes beyond easy words.
Deacon Jim and Ann Cavera are former residents of Evansville; their award-winning column is a regular feature of the Message. Contact them at www.catholicseniorspirit.com.