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Catholic Charities

Be respectful of your children and expect respect from them

BY JIM COLLINS

Editor’s note: Following is the first of a two-part series on healthy family life.

(Part II of the series is available here)

Question: I often notice children being disrespectful to parents. What can a parent do about this?

Answer: Expecting respect from your children is one of the main components of healthy family life. It is also something that is being lost in our culture. Think of the times you hear people lament the lack of respect children show to parents, teachers, etc. I have often heard teachers say that they no longer can count on parents to cooperate in requiring their children to behave respectfully in the classroom. The general culture encourages children to be consuming, demanding, entitled individuals who see their parents as providers of goods and services. You, as a parent, must not let your children be like that. You need to expect respect from your children and be respectful of your children.

In the book “Take Back Your Children,” the author, William J. Doherty, Ph.D., offers strategies to establish a respectful, trustful relationship between parents and children. Much of the advice which follows can be found in more detail in Dr. Doherty’s work.

Respect your child

You, as a parent, are a child of God who has a great calling to be a father or mother to your children who are also children of God. As you show true love and respect for your children, they learn to do the same towards you. If children experience you speaking and acting respectfully towards them and expecting the same from them, they will follow this family norm. “Respecting children means giving them (according to their ages) the psychological space to have and express their own opinions, tastes, etc. in areas that are not really objects of direct parental control.” Our children need our love, care, guidance, and protection based on a bedrock of respect for them who are God’s gift to us. Children are entrusted to us — they are not our possessions.

Expect respect

The commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother” is a central element in Christian family life. For millennia this has been seen as an essential aspect of healthy family life. Disrespect of parents is a deeply troubling trend in our culture. Respectfully, consistently expect respect. Speak in a respectful tone to children and expect them to do the same.

Be alert to a tone of disrespect coming from your children

You are not a peer of your children. You are their parent. In our counseling work, some of the parents who come to us have encouraged or accepted a peer-type relationship with their child. As a result, the child pays no more attention to them than to another peer and life at home becomes unpleasant for all. We assist these parents to recognize what has happened and encourage the parent to be the “grown-up” that the family needs. Parents learn to detect the disrespectful tone, to stop the conversation when this happens, and to respectfully request a respectful tone. The parents need to stop being a peer and start being a parent. As the parent respectfully takes charge, the parent becomes a source of security and positive guidance for the child. A child’s raised voice is not necessarily disrespectful. A child can express anger (for example, a frustration with cleaning their room) but they cannot be allowed to attack their parent.

Next week: Topics will include “Stop Disrespectful Behavior Immediately”; “Develop a Manner of Responding to Disrespect that Respectfully Gets the Child’s Attention”; “If You Have Allowed Disrespect, Explain That There is a New Policy in the House”; “When Disrespect Occurs, Focus on the Disrespect”; “‘Time-outs’ Can be Used When a Child Does Not Stop the Disrespectful Behavior,” and “Parental Cooperation, Composure, and Consistency.”