August 14, 2009
Catholic Charities
Be respectful of your children and expect respect from them
BY JIM COLLINS
Editor’s note: Following is the conclusion of a two-part series on healthy family life.
In the book “Take Back Your Children,” the author, William J. Doherty, offers strategies to establish a respectful, trustful relationship between parents and children. Much of the advice which follows can be found in more detail in his work.
Last week, topics covered included Respect Your Child; Expect Respect; Be Alert to a Tone of Disrespect Coming from your Children, and Stop Disrespectful Behavior immediately.
(Part I of the series is available here)
Stop disrespectful behavior immediately
When you hear disrespect, immediately and respectfully state “That is disrespectful and needs to stop.” Do not continue the discussion or respond to the request until there is a proper respectful tone.
Develop a manner of responding to disrespect that respectfully gets the child’s attention
Think of someone in your past who had the knack of calling for respectful attention — a parent or teacher or aunt who could convey a tone which says “don’t mess with me buddy.” Often, these folks could convey the message with a look and few words. Use that person as a model in developing your style of doing the same.
If you have allowed disrespect, explain that there is a new policy in the house
Clearly state what you expect and provide a model for the child with your own behavior. Encourage the child to join in the new policy of establishing a respectful climate. They will be happier in a respectful environment and it will have a positive effect in other aspects of their lives.
When disrespect occurs, focus on the disrespect
If your child is disrespectful when asking for something or when explaining something, etc., focus on the disrespect and not the content of the communication. Doherty says “Imagine someone kicking you in the shins while asking to discuss the presidential election — you deal with the kicking and forget the politics (the content) for now.” Develop a family language that calls for “polite” behavior and tone and not “rudeness.” When parents, aunts, uncles, etc. are seen being respectful with each other, an excellent tone is set.
As a consequence, “time-outs” can be used when a child does not stop the disrespectful behavior
A child persisting in disrespect should be directed to “time-out” in a place where the child can cool off. With an adolescent, you may want to remove yourself from the heated conversation. This can be a way of showing you will not accept disrespect without putting energy into enforcing a “time-out” on a resisting adolescent. Later, when the time is right, a conversation can occur concerning the unacceptability of disrespectful words and behavior. The child needs to know that they can express their concerns, opinions, anger in a respectful conversation and be heard.
Parental cooperation, composure and consistency
If disrespect has developed, both parents or the significant adults caring for the child need to be on the same page in communicating clearly, consistently, and in a firm, calm manner the type of behavior that is acceptable and unacceptable.
Christian parents know that they have a responsibility to provide honest, spiritual leadership and guidance to their children and expecting respect and giving respect is an important part of this role. Hopefully, by following the above suggestions, you will establish the type of respectful interaction that is your goal for your family. The adults can immediately begin modeling respectful behavior. Let the children hear and see you speaking and acting with mutual concern and respect. If your statements to each other as husband and wife and to the children are respectful with words like “please,” “thank you,” “can I help you,” “would you want me to . . .,” echo through your house, a powerful model will be in place in which your child can learn.
Ask God to help you carry out your vocation as parents and you will have His graceful assistance. God has called you to a life of holiness as a committed husband or wife and as committed parents and has provided the Sacraments (particularly the Eucharist and Confession) and the Scripture as sources of grace and guidance along with the Christian community of your parish. Focus on your calling and do your best to create a Christian home that will help your children avoid the pitfalls in our shallow popular culture.