September 18, 2009
Catholic Charities: Ask the Counselor
Be the person you want your children to be
BY SHERI DENTON
Question: What is most important in being a parent?
Answer: It is what you do more than what you say that makes a good parent. To put it another way, who you are (your beliefs, attitudes, the way you treat people, etc.) is the most important aspect of parenting. I hope this is refreshing news because it tells you it is not how many theories of child development you know, or how many books on child rearing you have read, or how many parenting classes you have taken which make the main contribution to being a good parent. Who you are is of central importance.
If you want to be a good parent, the first step is to take a good look at yourself. Are you the kind of person you would like your children to become. If you are, then you will most likely succeed as a parent. If you are a person who treats others with respect, is moral and honest in your dealings with others, has a sincere faith which you practice, is one who keeps your word to others particularly your spouse and children, is responsible, etc., you are very well on the road to being a good parent. You can pick and choose ideas from parenting literature if you wish or if you run into a specific problem about which you believe additional information or consultation will help, do so. However, because of who you already honestly are, you will do well. Conversely, if when you size yourself up you see habits, attitudes, ways of dealing with people which you do not want your children to emulate, you have work to do. Make the changes you need. In doing so, you will become a better parent. If you do not make the changes, no amount of parenting books or workshops will help. You will be lacking in the important area of the living example you provide to your children on a daily basis. The sincere practice of your Christian faith will help you achieve the goal of being a successful parent.
The best way to be a parent is to live daily as a person you would want your children to become. The brief articles in this booklet all have some practical advice to give and we hope you find them useful. All, however, are based on the premise I am presenting: it is who you are that matters. None of us are perfect; mistakes, apologies, forgiveness are part of all of our lives but, in general, you need to be the kind of person you want your children to be. If you are not, no amount of rules and instructions to them will produce the result you want. Think of this simple example: If a husband and wife are genuinely respectful of each other, if they treat each other with courtesy (e.g., being thoughtful concerning each other’s needs with words like please, thank you, can I help you, as part of daily life), their children will nine times out of ten be respectful and courteous.
Your vocation to be a parent is a high calling. Children today have the risks of being exposed to many influences we did not have as children ourselves. Children look to their parents to stand for something, to set boundaries, to make rules, and to be positive examples for them. The desire for most parents is to do what is best for their children. When parents make mistakes, it is not usually because they do not care, but very often because they care so much.
Parents must give their children a moral code to live by and a firm foundation of beliefs that will give them the guidance needed to make choices and face challenges throughout their life. When children see parents practicing what is preached, they respect their parents. If parents tell their children to do one thing and they in turn do another, the parents lose respect. We are all more consistent when we walk with others and have encouragement from others in our faith.
Children may not always want to do things that are asked of them or suggested. Parents cannot control their attitudes, feelings, or beliefs about expected behaviors or tasks. Parents have a much stronger role which is influencing their children by the example they provide.
Here are some helpful hints to offering guidance as a parent and leading by example:
- Recognize teachable moments
- Look for opportunities to acknowledge and reinforce a virtue or value your child or someone else in your family is already practicing.
- Be aware of your own behavior
- Follow the rules you ask your children to follow. If there is an expectation of your children to attend church, then show them why that is important to you. Go to church and discuss what you hear and what you gain from your time in worship.
- Drive your car as you hope your 16 year old will drive. If you expect your child to drive the speed limit, then you should also drive the speed limit.
- Let your children see you pray
- Pray with them at meals or at bedtime; Pray spontaneously in front of them. Show them the important role prayer plays in your life.
- Forgive people when you have been hurt and explain to your children why forgiveness is important.
- Don’t gossip about someone that has angered you or hurt your feelings. Share with your children how friends work through issues that occur that may not be comfortable.
- Do not be afraid to apologize
- If you have overreacted or displayed anger inappropriately to your children or in front of your children, let them see you apologize.
- When apologizing to your children, be sincere when admitting your mistake and do not make excuses.
- Be positive
- Don’t swear and curse in front of your children if you do not want them to think that behavior is acceptable.
- Don’t yell at people and expect them to not.
- Be consistent; Children want structure and want their parents to provide rules.
- Show up when you say you will
- Don’t make excuses or change plans because something better came along or because you may be tired.
- Follow through with commitments.
The different influences that have the most profound effect on our children and their decision making have been studied for many years. Studies show parents continue to be the ones that have the greatest opportunity to teach and to guide our children toward becoming respectful, resourceful, and compassionate human beings. It is imperative that parents provide authentic Christian care, guidance, and example to their children.
Children learn about God when parents care for them when they are sick. They learn about acceptance and God’s love when parents show delight in their expressions to them. They learn about God’s wisdom when parents determine clear and safe boundaries for them. It is the obligation of the parents to bring a family’s life into the presence of God through their habits and religious traditions. We respect you deeply for your role as parents. Your success is a great benefit to the Church and our community. We hope you find our booklet useful.