November 27, 2009
Catholic Charities: Ask the Counselor
Health for the family: Be a confident family
BY DON GATWOOD
Parents need to have confidence in themselves and realize that they are the experts on their family. Earlier generations of parents confidently exercised leadership and looked to experienced family members for guidance and support.
We should expect our children to contribute to the common good of the home and the school and assume personal responsibility for their decisions and actions in both. Children need and want limits, boundaries and the predictability that comes with assertive and confident parenting. The ambiguity that comes with the wishy-washy, keeping my child happy approach to parenting in the end does not make for happy, contented children. Instead, you have a child who tests the limits and approaches every situation from a posture of “me first.” Children also need us to stand behind the authority of others, such as teachers, coaches, referees, choir directors and others.
It is important as parents to free yourself of some popular myths regarding parenting:
- If I assert myself or raise my voice, my child will be traumatized or turn against me. This simply is not true. A loving and involved parent being assertive or raising their voice when providing discipline contributes to children growing into successful and responsible adults.
- A second myth we encounter is that each child needs to be allowed to express themselves freely; we should avoid asking them to conform to certain social standards. We should expect our children to act in ways that are counter to how they authentically feel, such as insisting your adolescent child stop cursing at you. These situations, should they occur, are not about infringing upon the child’s need for self-expression. It’s about who the parent is and who is the child; it’s about common simple courtesy between two people.
- Another myth is that, as parents, we really don’t have much influence over our teenager. They should be given the opportunity to make their own choices even though it runs counter to what we think is best, e.g., “Well, ya know, they’re going to drink anyway” or “Boys will be boys.” An overwhelming amount of research tells us that no one has more influence on your children than you do. The truth is that parents who talk to their children about making responsible choices concerning drugs, alcohol and sexual behavior are less likely to have children making unhealthy choices in those areas. Trust your common sense that if you set the standard they more than likely will do those things you expect.
Aware of this, let’s take a look at the real job of a confident parent. Our expectations should be grounded solidly in our own behavior and beliefs as adults. If, for instance, we don’t attend church regularly, it’s going to be quite unreasonable to expect anything different from our children. A friend of mine who had attended one of these financial guru seminars suggested to me that the secret to financial planning is in being long-term in your perspective. Similarly, parenting efforts should be focused upon an everlasting legacy. Our parenting efforts will have an eternal influence upon those children God entrusted to our care.
Your confident parenting needs to help children deal with corrosive cultural forces:
- The advertising media should certainly be at the top of any parent’s list of things to be on guard against. One of the most frequent sources of conflict between children and parents seems to be that of purchases. And this often gets played out with a tug-of-war between parent and child with the parent too often caving in thereby teaching the child that all good things come to those who whine long enough.
- Television viewing is and has been for sometime a major influence on our children. Parents need to consider what values are being allowed into our home. Televisions and internet have no business being in any child’s bedroom; it not only invites undesirable viewing, it diminishes family interaction.
- Engaging in a profusion of out of home activities makes it difficult for the confident parent to maintain a needed balance between family time and children’s activities. I believe some of the confusion today comes with a misconceived notion that children’s time is family time. You need to lead in striking a balance.
Other things to consider in steering our children toward being responsible citizens are:
- As parents, we should only reward and praise children when they truly deserve it. Rewarding children when they make no effort only teaches them to expect rewards for no effort. This isn’t teaching them how to function in the real world. Unmerited praise does nothing for a child’s self-esteem.
- As parents, we should teach our children to appreciate that other people have needs and feelings starting with their parents.
- Keep Christian faith central in family life. It will help you be a confident parent and a blessing to your children.
It requires considerable fortitude to parent children in a culture whose messages run counter to what we know is necessary to raise children who’ll become responsible adults. If as parents we have God first in our lives and we are living our lives in accordance with God’s plan for us, we will then have the confidence needed to raise responsible children with whom we can be well-pleased. I recommend “Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times” by William Doherty.
Donald R. Gatwood is a Family Services Counselor and Co-Coordinator of Counseling Services for Catholic Charities of the Diocese of Evansville.