January 8, 2010
Toward teen responsibility: What should a parent do?
Many parents are frustrated when their teenager fails to use good judgment, does the wrong thing and then refuses to accept the consequences. For these children, life may be perceived as a series of “unfair” experiences. Being grounded is “unfair.” Losing driving privileges is “unfair.” Happiness and harmony can be achieved only by getting what they want when they want it. With an irresponsible teen, if you attempt to set limits, you may be considered the bad guy and engage in a power struggle that can be difficult to win.
Those who don’t follow the accepted rules of our society suffer consequences. If a teen doesn’t come home before curfew, parents might provide reasonable sanctions. If teens violate the rules of law with behaviors such as illegal drug or alcohol use, the consequences can be severe.
If your teen is irresponsible, what can you do to correct this aggravating pattern of behavior? Being responsible is more than just doing what you are told. Responsibility means deciding what needs to be done in a given circumstance, doing it, and accepting the consequences.
Responsibility is learned over time and the learning should begin early in life. Children might start learning responsibility by helping a parent with some household chores. As they get older, they may assume bigger duties with less supervision.
If a child hasn’t learned how to assume responsibility in early years, addressing problematic behavior with a teenager can be difficult. Remember, “parentship” must be different than friendship. Teens crave structure and, despite their protests, they want rules and limits. Parents remain the most powerful influence in a teenagers’ life.
Here are some suggestions for helping a teen catch up with learning responsibility:
Do less. Stop doing things your teens should be doing for themselves. Don’t do the “emergency” load of laundry for something to wear the next day or pick up dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. Don’t prepare a special meal if they forget to show up at mealtime. Parents often work too hard to ensure their teens don’t have to do anything for themselves.
Let consequences happen. Simply let nature take its course. Special punishments aren’t always necessary. Less study results in lower grades or make-up work. Failure to pickup dirty clothes may mean nothing but dirty clothes to wear. Being late to school or work will result in consequences at those respective locations. It may be hard to stand by and watch, but the natural inclination to jump in and help out will delay the development of responsible behaviors. The sooner your teen learns to take responsibility, the better.
Give a regular allowance, but avoid providing extra money. You don’t need to be an “automatic teller” for cash on demand. A fair amount with encouragement to spend a little and save a little will assist in learning how to handle money responsibly. Refuse to pay for extras. Saving behaviors will soon follow.
Help your teen get organized. Teach your teen to keep reminders, put the keys in a place where they will find them, or use a day planner. These things aren’t always accepted immediately, but with some work, your teens will find them helpful and continue without your guidance.
Help your teen think through the options. Help them by discussion and writing down thoughts as they occur. What, exactly, is the problem? What are the options for response? What are the possible outcomes (good and bad) for each of the options? What are the best choices given the circumstances?
If you have an irresponsible teen with years of experience letting you do the work and allowing you to protect them from natural consequences, change isn’t going to occur instantly. It will take perseverance on your part. These tips won’t work for every irresponsible teen. Get professional help if needed. However, if you and your spouse agree on a plan of action and provide reasonable rules with reasonable consequences, stay with it and be happy with steady progress over time.
The opinions, advice and information contained herein are not intended to provide professional medical advice or treatment, but are merely responses to questions from unidentified persons without advantage of actual knowledge of specific facts, circumstances and history of such person; and therefore, all responses contained herein should serve only as a suggested guide or possible course of action based on the question. Responses provided herein cannot replace professional assessment a person may receive from a visit with a healthcare professional. Youth First, Inc. hereby disclaims any and all responsibility or liability, which may be asserted or claimed arising from or claim to have arisen from reliance upon opinions, advice or information disclosed herein.