March 5, 2010
Engaged Encounter prepares for marriage, not only for wedding
By EMILY SNIPES (Catholic Charities)
During the February 12-14, 2010 Engaged Encounter weekend we had 19 couples register to attend. This was exceedingly good considering we served 35 couples total in 2009. Our presenting teams, Dr. J.R. and Rose Hoffman and Steve and Marci Backer, were prepared and rea-dy for the challenge.
Engaged Encounter, for those who are not familiar with the retreat, is a weekend marriage preparation program that we offer in our diocese. Over the course of the weekend our teams present talks on a variety of topics, then couples have time to reflect personally and dialogue as a couple.
Our office, Catholic Charities, coordinates the weekends but the presenting couples are all volunteers who give their weekends to work in this ministry. We rely on area priests to offer insight into the topics, provide confession and offer Mass. It is a joint effort, as is marriage.
I attended a few of the ending talks during this last retreat and witnessed the emotion that was stirred by both the presenters and the engaged couples. It was indeed incredible. To my surprise one couple broke off their engagement on Sunday morning during this retreat.
My first thought was, “That is really sad.”
Dr. Hoffman remarked, “Now that is good marriage preparation.”
That is very true. I was thinking of the heartbreak the couple must have been experiencing during that moment and not the positive effects this ministry was witnessing. So often by the time a couple calls a parish to set a wedding date they are past the point of caring about their relationship and more concerned about flowers, cake flavors, where to honeymoon and everything else that comes with a wedding. But not the marriage, because that is merely the afterthought of the event.
Those who work in any marriage preparation ministry such as Engaged Encounter or the Sponsor Couple Program know the challenges. I refer to them as the 4 Cs — communication, contraception, cohabitation and conflict. The ministers do their best to help engaged couples examine these issues and provide guidance, but at times it can be overwhelming knowing their future is at stake.
Ten years ago my husband and I were in the same place — planning a wedding, not our life together. The excitement wasn’t over the future or entering into the sacrament, it was about the event. So when this particular engaged couple on the retreat allowed themselves to examine their relationship, their faults and their faith that weekend, they realized they were not ready. That was not only a smart decision, but a brave one to admit.
I don’t think we’d attract more engaged couples to the weekend by advertising our annual break-up rate, but this speaks volumes to the presenting couples and the job they are doing to strengthen marriage and family life in our diocese.
My husband and I were married at St. Clement Church in Boonville, in October 2000, with Father Jim Koressel presiding. Although we did the majority of our marriage preparation through the Diocese of Lafayette because we were in college at Purdue at the time, we did have a few sessions with Father Jim. If there is one thing I remember him telling us it was that problems in marriage don’t get solved — they get managed. That has truly been something I have tried to remember as we’ve faced challenges in our own marriage.
Those who work in marriage preparation have also learned that they cannot solve every engaged couple’s problems, but they can help them learn to manage their issues and give them the skills to work through difficult situations.
The Catholic bishops of the United States recently issued a pastoral letter titled, “Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan.” The intent was to address some of the challenges to marriage, explain the meaning of the sacrament and encourage growth within our churches to enrich family life.
Locally our diocese will be hosting a convocation on marriage called “Search for Love & Truth” on Saturday, April 10, at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Evansville. Archbishop Joseph Kurtz of Louisville will be speaking along with Dr. Jim Healy. There will be breakout sessions offered to engage anyone’s interest — from DREs to married couples to youth ministers. There will be something for everyone and a challenge to improve and energize marriage and family life within our own community.
You can view the brochure or register online at the new diocesan marriage and family life website —http://www.ourcatholicmarriage.org.