March 26, 2010
Catholic Charities: Ask the Counselor
The health of your marriage: Make your marriage your priority and the rest will follow
BY DON GATWOOD
If you were to ask most counselors who work with married couples what issue or complaint couples present more than any other they would likely say “communication.” This is because most people believe that the way to fix relationships is to fix the way the individuals involved communicate with one another. This is true not just within marriages but amongst all types of relationships. On any given day there is a workshop somewhere attempting to instruct, not just couples, but salespeople, parents, executives, teachers, doctors — you name it — on how to communicate better.
‘I messages’
As you read this there is likely someone somewhere attempting to get couples to speak in “I messages.” If couples could learn to speak in “I messages,” for example “When you speak to me that way I feel hurt” (an I message) instead of being accusatory “You are so insensitive” they no doubt would find life much more enjoyable. It is true that effective communication is important in any relationship; however, it is not enough to assure a lasting marriage.
‘We’ versus ‘I’
Another problem couples frequently express regarding the future of their relationship is that of being “incompatible.” At some point in the marriage a couple comes to realize that they have different outlooks, wants and desires, and that these differences sometimes lead to conflict, and one or both decide everything would be great if their spouse would just change. And if the other one would just change we wouldn’t argue all the time.
One thing that confuses people is the thinking that being different somehow equates to being incompatible. The divorce industry refers to this as having “irreconcilable differences.” So, who decides we need to see things the same way? In fact, when we look to the story of creation, it was God’s intent that man and woman would be equal but different, and when we look at these differences from a position of “We” versus “I,” couples find they are able to appreciate the benefit these differences hold for their marriage. They come to appreciate their differences rather than feel threatened by them.
The other confusion with the position presented above has to do with the idea of conflict, that conflict is a sign that the marriage is failing. Please know that conflict is inevitable and does not signal that there is anything unhealthy with the marriage. All marriages encounter turbulent times, but research tells us that the majority of couples who stick it out wind up being happier down the road. Much like communication, conflict resolution and learning to appreciate individual differences are important; however, they are not enough to assure a lasting marriage.
Love is a verb
Something frequently heard by marriage counselors is “I’ve fallen out of love.” People speak of love as if it is something apart from themselves, that love is either there or it isn’t. Love isn’t something that just happens; it may be true in the world of Disney, but in real life it is something we have to make happen. Marriage is an ongoing process of dying to our own selfish desires. Love is a verb, an action word, and we are the ones behind the action; and in a loving relationship this action is brought about through a process of mutual self-giving. Real loving occurs when you give to your spouse what they want or need, not just what you think they want or need. That is what real giving is all about. This gift of self in love, a genuine and consistent giving of ourselves and recognition of their God-given dignity is something we are all called to do, whether we are single or married, but in a very special way when married. When we engage in this gift of self we quickly come to appreciate what love truly is, a surrendering of self for the sake of the other. And the real beauty of this giving of self in marriage is that it is a reciprocal process; when we genuinely give our love to another we can most likely anticipate receiving it in return. Certainly the presence of love and the willingness to give of your self toward fostering a loving marriage is important; however, it also is not enough to assure a lasting marriage.
Be open to God
So far we have hit upon some very crucial areas, attitudes and practices which will definitely require ongoing attention in order to maintain a lasting marriage. But behind everything we have so far addressed, is something far more crucial toward assuring a lasting marriage and that is the need for commitment and keeping God’s presence in the marriage. Your willingness to effectively communicate with one another, and learning to appreciate your differences, and reaching beyond your own wants will go a long way toward establishing a lasting marriage. But more importantly your firm and steadfast commitment to your marriage vows and the ongoing presence of God’s grace in your lives is what will truly make a difference. The number one reason for marriages failing is that other things take priority over the marriage. If however, as a couple you approach all other areas of your life from the position of how it will benefit your marriage, and with openness to God, then the rest will follow and your marriage will not fail. What have you done for your marriage today?
Donald R. Gatwood, MSW is a coordinator of counseling services and a counselor with Catholic Charities of Evansville He provides counseling at the downtown Evansville office and at St. Joseph Parish Center in Jasper. Gatwood is a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist. Gatwood notes that his enthusiasm for helping couples develop more satisfying marriages comes from his own life experience. Donald and his wife, Linda, have been married for 29 years and together they have four children.