May 7, 2010
Reflection
On dating and marrying and happiness
By EMILY SNIPES (Catholic Charities)
At the diocesan marriage and family life convocation on April 10, I was able to hear part of the presentation that Dr. Jim Healy gave on marriage enrichment. He reflected on the way couples say good-bye to each other,
especially in the morning. It re-minded me of how things had changed within my own marriage and that sometimes I take for granted the little things my husband does, that truly do show his love and appreciation for me.
If your house is anything like ours during the week, mornings are rushed and typically focused on remembering who’s picking up our son after school, reminding each other of what meetings we might have that night, asking if anyone fed the dog, making sure the milk is back in the refrigerator and if there is time (or we are in close enough proximity) we might quickly kiss good-bye. That rare-ly seems to happen anymore and we’re lucky if one of us yells “see you later,” as we head out the door.
That wasn’t always the case though, as Dr. Healy reminded us that happiness in marriage doesn’t come solely from the “once in a lifetime events,” but from the things that we do over and over again. These are habits of the heart.
This past year I have been teaching Theology of the Body for Teens to a group of high school seniors and many of the conversations have centered on understanding who we are, what our purpose is in life, and how we can find true happiness.
I’ve shared with the class my own personal experiences with dating and relationships, the good and the not so great, as well as marriage. When my husband, Nate, and I first got married we were crazy about each other. Both of us were perfect and had no faults. The great thing about us is that we both thought we had married up, so we were very content!
Needless to say the first year of marriage involves a lot of ignorance. It’s really easy to unconditionally love somebody when you don’t live on four hours of sleep from getting up with a newborn all night long, or he’s so fresh from eating college food that even your meatloaf with sauerkraut sounds edible. But throw in a decade or so, bills, a child, flooded basements, broken down cars, deaths in the family, and you find more reasons to be irritated than adoring.
As I have tried to explain to the seniors, love is not a feeling. Attraction is a feeling, which can come and go, but love is a choice. You make a commitment to love someone unconditionally. Some days it’s easier than others. Those everyday habits that Dr. Healy referred to mean more than all the roses you can buy.
Marriage is hard work and I think maybe it gets harder, not easier, as you go along. But it also gets better and better. Especially when the one you love does things like build large boxes for you to put in a garden, even though he doesn’t really like vegetables. And despite the fact he really has a lot of other projects he’d rather do, he does it willingly and with a smile.
Then he goes the extra mile and spends a lot of time and energy constructing a large compost pile container that you’ve really only used to put weeds and unwanted yard waste in, and he doesn’t say a word. This is when you realize something: you really did marry up and our actions do speak louder than words.